The title of my blog sucks.

I’ve been telling my students for years “don’t let anything be automatic.” Everything you do should be a conscious choice, which takes into account your objective and desired outcomes. Make a deliberate decision, and resist becoming a backseat driver in your own car. Well, I’ve failed. Not only is it silly that the domain name, blog title, and blog subject matter have absolutely nothing to do with each other, it’s a tad hypocritical to bemoan nonsensical marketing slogans when I haven’t the slightest idea what “Extroverted Introversion” is supposed to mean. Actually, I whimsically came up with that title when I was a bright-eyed twenty-two year old college graduate musician working night crew at a grocery store. Now I’m a twenty-eight year old pseudo-intellectual techie musician with a coffee shop fetish. It’s definitely time for a change.

Welcome to “Caffeinated Counterculture”

It's, like, I'm the cup, ya' know? And society is, like, the table. And I'm, like, "counter" that.

It’s not perfect, but it feels right. Not only does it return few Google search results (when typed in quotes), it has a glorious hint of pretension, which sells like hotcakes in my neck of the woods. Besides, I’ve done some market research (read: asked a few friends, my mom, and my wife) and it’s tested well.

In case you’re wondering, I’m not changing the domain name. I’m far too vain for that. Besides, why type thirty characters when you can type eight?

The Netherlands is pretty cool. They may have taken it a step too far with the whole legalizing heroin thing, but that’s one of the risks you take with being cool.

Thanks for that one, Dan.

He can see you...

Thank you to Fail-blog for the image.

Spice Up Your Recipies With These Surprising Flavor Pairings!

Thank you, Woot. Thank you.

And I thought I was in America.

In spite of it all, I do still actually have a job, which is nice. Since I’m proud of my job-finding success, I’ll share a couple interviewing tips that have always worked for me. So all you college grads, soon-to-be college grads, and parolees, heed my job interview wisdom!

Keep your work up-to-date! If it’s been a few years since you graduated, and you’ve still got that thesis or dissertation gathering dust in your closet, think about revising it. Possibly a re-release special edition version with commentary and bloopers. For an extra-professional touch, consider a limited edition holographic cover.

Know your employer. When I was in college, business and econ majors threw the best parties. If you’re interviewing for a business-type job, try to drop a few references to indicate you get out some. A partially faded “over 21” stamp on your hand is a good touch. Try to wear something that has a hint of cigarette smoke, just to show that you’re cool.

Companies like to hire creative people. I often submit my resume in code, to show my potential employers that I’m not only an outside-the-box thinker, but to also demonstrate my creativity. I also used google translator to convert my name into Swedish.

Pick good references. Try to pick those who know you the best and can represent you well. I often write one for myself, because projecting a good self-image is important. Since I haven’t technically ever been employed before now, I asked the guy from Quizno’s to write me one. I don’t work there, but I go there a lot and they know me pretty well.

Include a large photo of yourself. This is particularly effective if you are attractive.

Include information about your service work. Non-profit organizations look great on resumes. I include my band, since we play a lot of shows but don’t really generate much income. I’ve also kept a careful record of everyone I’ve lent money to, and I also ask for paper instead of plastic whenever possible.

Appear valuable. Try to mention how little spare time you have since you’re always busy. If they think others are interested in you, they’ll be interested in you. Also, show up a little late and ask if you can leave early because you’ve got a “previous engagement.” It’s a plus if they think you’re popular. Wear expensive things.

Be memorable. You want to stick out from the other candidates. If you have a tattoo, display it. Consider dyeing your hair something striking. Learn some card tricks.

Be yourself. Trust me on this one. If you don’t, there may be complications later when your name, birthdate, and gender don’t match your social security records.

This advice costs you $14.99. Leave it in my paypal account. The one that isn’t suspended.

“Being a gangster isn’t as much a job as it is a poor lifestyle choice, and being a bounty hunter isn’t as much a job as it is avoiding a real one.”

My search: “artificial intelligence impossible.”

The result…

Everyone’s got to get their two cents in.

“Skynet became self aware at 2:14 am EDT August 29, 1997.”
-T-100

 

Textbook fail

fail

• verb 1 be unsuccessful in an undertaking. 2 be unable to meet the standards set by (a test). 3 judge (a candidate in an examination or test) not to have passed. 4 neglect to do. 5 disappoint expectations: chaos has failed to materialize. 6 stop working properly. 7 become weaker or less good. 8 go out of business. 9 desert or let down.

We’ve all done it, and we’ve all seen it. I’m not talking about failure, I’m talking about fail. Perhaps you might call it a condition, or a state of being, or maybe you’ll just call it as you see it: “FAIL!” An outgrowth of gamer culture, where fail is an inevitable product of the learning process, fail has worked its way into the 21st century vocabulary.

For clarification, lets consult the urban dictionary.

fail

1 an interjection used when one disapproves of something. 2. a verb meaning approximately the same thing as the slang form of “suck,” most probably derived from the world of internet gaming. 3 the glorious lack of success

Now the first and second definitions attempt to address the origin and usage of fail. The third definition, however, seems to sum up fail most successfully (or “win,” which is the opposite of “fail”). To truly achieve fail, the failure must be glorious. By “glorious,” I mean that you must achieve a statistically improbable level of failure. Where failure is falling short of success, fail is reaching the antithesis of success. This, indeed, is the fantastic irony of fail: it is actually an achievement. Consider a scenario in which you have run out of milk and need to replenish your supply:

Failure: Going to the grocery store with the intent to buy a gallon of milk, only to find that milk is sold out.

Failure: Going to the grocery store with the intent to buy a gallon of milk, only to have someone snag the last jug mere moments before you can get to the cooler.

Fail: Going to the grocery store to buy milk, and mistakenly purchasing a gallon of fabric softener.

Epic Fail: Going to the hardware store with the intent to buy a gallon of milk.

Of course, within this fail could also be specific sub-categories of fail.

Milk Fail: Purchasing an expired gallon of milk.

Navigation Fail: Repeatedly walking past the cooler of milk while searching for the dairy section.

Parenting Fail: Locking your keys and infant in the car while in the grocery store to buy milk.

Wardrobe Fail: While crouching to retrieve milk on the bottom shelf, you split your pants to reveal your lack of undergarments.

Bargain Fail:  Purchasing a gallon jug when half gallons are marked “Buy 1 Get 1 Free”

Diet Fail: Purchasing nonfat milk to comply with your vegan lifestyle.

Improbability Fail: Being struck by an arrow while retrieving milk from the cooler.

Win: Avoiding the grocery store altogether and stealing a fresh jug of milk from your next-door neighbor.

If fail appeals to you, I suggest paying a visit to the failblog.org, which will quench your thirst for fail. If you wish to experience fail firsthand, check out the Fail Blog at failblog.com.

*fail images courtesty of failblog.org