*ahem*

Okay, let’s start with “Kali,” our first responder who thanks me for my insight.

“Live Tarantulas? Thanks for the wardrobe idea LOL”

Your welcome, Kali. Clearly, my spectacular fashion instinct would make me a capable bikiniista, provided I were female, of course.

“Kevin R.” gives us the men’s perspective on the bikini coffee phenomenon:

“Well as a male I think women stripping down to sell coffee is not the problem but THEIR COFFEE IS AWFUL. I tried Annette’s Grind…and I have to admit the guys working there are real cool and the coffe is excellent. Plus they have women working there and I appreciate that thy dont have their butts hanging out when they serve me.”

“Butts hanging out?” Definitely a red flag, since no rear end should “hang.” I think I see where you’re going with this though: you’re okay with the stripping, but they just need to improve their coffee and do pilates. Got it.

“Elizabeth” had some fascinating observations and constructive criticism to offer. I’ll take the time to address several points:

“Bikini coffee needs to be banned. It is discusting, risky for the girls, and also unsanitary. They are not selling just coffee they are selling their bodies. This borders on prostitution. They are asking for something to happen. There are going to be a lot of negative consequences.“

Hey now, bikini coffee can’t be that bad. We’re talking about a business that has taken off in Lakewood, Washington, a fine city which was once a part of an even finer city.

“It does not make me want to drink coffee. Also as a mother I definitely don’t want my kids exposed to these places. The only men or guys that go to these shops are dedfinitely looking for more than just a cup of coffee.”

“More than a cup of coffee?” This is true. Most coffee booths are espresso only, and I would not recommend espresso to children.

“Driving past one and seeing a bikini shop with most of a girls butt hanging out makes me want to throw up. It does not make me want to drink coffee.”

Clearly the girl’s butt is too big for the coffee shop, or the coffee shop is too small. Either way, such an absurd lack of design insight would certainly turn me off of a coffee establishment.

Wearing a bikini in this kind of weather is just stupid. The comment about fashion tips for women is stupid considering you don’t need bikini fashion tips in the winter when it is 40 degrees or less. They shouLd be advertising sweaters, hats, jeans, boots, gloves, and jackets.

I understand how the business model may be misguided,  though I don’t quite get how merchandising will help.

“I mean how long have dutch brothers and star bucks been serving coffee without exploiting womens bodies.”

Um, that’s the only reason I go to Starbucks. You think I go there for the coffee? Those green aprons just do it for me.

…

Ok, ok, I’m kidding. Firstly, Dutch Brothers sells donuts, which is really almost as good as a barista in a bikini. Secondly, I bet if Starbucks had bikini baristas they wouldn’t be forced to give away internet out of desperation, would they?

Now “BikiniBaristasRock,” a neutral party in this discussion, offers a counterpoint to “Elizabeth’s” comments:

“Elizabeth you’re retarded. Im not a prostitute…..I do not perform sexual acts for money…..sorry….and if you wanna throw up at the site of the human body you have issues.”

Your passion is noted, BBR, however it is somewhat rude to insult the near-gymnophobic, individuals with mental disabilities, and those who are unable to correctly identify prostitutes. We’re all people.

“Your children will be OK if they see a womans body other than yours which probably isn’t as nice as ours (bikini baristas)”

Oooh, ice burn! BBR concludes with:

“we obviously choose to dress the way we do so we’re not exploiting ourselves…”

So true, BBR. It’s only exploitation if it’s non-consensual.  Wait, I may be thinking of something else…

“…if anything we;re exploiting the men who come to us and leave us ten dollar tips….dont be mad because we know how to make mad money! And dont be ma dyou husband comes to see us every morning =)”

Sidenote to my wife: I assure you that I do not leave $10 tips to these young ladies embodying (no pun intended) the American entrepreneurial spirit.

“George” makes it clear his allegiance is with the bikiniistas. At least I think he does:

“I SAY KEEP THE STANDS, THEY MAKE THE BEST DRINKS AND THEYRE COOL PEOPLE. I CO SIGN BIKINIBARISTAS WHAT SHE SAID! HAHA”

I co sign as well, George. You are now part owner. Go on:

“AT KEVIN STOP BEING BORING, YOU KNOW HOW THEY DRESS AND U STILL GO, STOP UR BITCHING OR DONT STARE, YOUR LAME & PROLLY DONT HAVE A LIFE BUT HEY SOMEONE’S GOTTA DO”

Hey now, these are my readers you’re talking to. Of course, you do have a point George: only people looking up bikini baristas on the internet will find this blog post. Kevin, do you have something to tell us?

“I KNOW MY SPELLING SUCKS, YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND COMPLAIN….BIKINI BOTTOMS IS WHERE ITS AT!”

George, the bikini baristas salute you for your dedication to supporting their cause. Next time you go, you should proposition your bikiniista for a date. In all caps of course.

Lastly, “Ashley” resolves my gratuity inquiry:

“Um. Yes. You are supposed to look. But don’t bother unless you tip.”

But how will I know how much to tip?

“And ladies, if you get mad at your man for coming to see us, maybe you should say hi to him once in awhile.”

…or they should work at a bikini coffee shop.

Keep those comments coming!

After touring internationally with various groups as session musicians, the high school friends were drawn back together by a desire to create their own music, rather than someone else’s. Bookended by lyricist and lead vocalist Yukimi Nagano’s ethereal lyrics and a groove locked down by Bodin and bassist Fredrik Källgren Wallin, Håkan Wirenstrand fills the space between on keyboards and synthesizer. They initially tried to imitate what the soul and R&B music they liked, but Nagano recalls that the band soon opted to “let go of that and experiment more with what we’re good at.” The result was a deluge of material that eventually became their 2007 self-titled release Little Dragon.

Their August 2009 release Machine Dreams often finds neutral ground between soul and electronica, but more often than not strays toward the latter. A moving concert opener and lead-off track for the album, the gentle “A New” lets Wirenstrand’s soundscapes and Nagano’s lyrics drive the momentum. Little Dragon is at their best on “Blinking Pigs” and “Feather” where they retains the dance momentum while settling into a relaxed pocket groove. Though most effective when the soul and pop elements are in balance, straight-forward retro dance numbers such as “Looking Glass” and “Swimming” stay fresh as their sonic variety holds the reins of a pop aesthetic that could otherwise easily fall into monotony.

Looking ahead, Little Dragon has begun work on their third album, which they expect will follow the vein of Machine Dreams. They are always open to influences, and everyone contributes equally. “I write the lyrics and melodies,” Nagano says, “but then Erik will put drums on Håkan’s track, and Håkan will put keys on [Erik’s] track…everyone plays synthesizers and stuff, so it’s very democratic that way.” Consistently creating and constantly listening, the members of Little Dragon have confidence. “I think we’re all for making mistakes,” Nagano says, with Bodin coyly adding, “failure is good.”

Pyschadelic Lounge. Future folk. ElectroSoul. Call it what you want, but most importantly—and most effectively—it is their own.

This review was written for a Guerrilla Media feature piece on Little Dragon. You can check out the full text of my interview with the band for Guerrilla Media here.

Extroverted Introversion: Hello, Twitter. It’s nice to finally meet you in person.

in starbucks with juliosus. an honor & a plesure!
7:00 PM Jul 13th from TwittR

EI: The pleasure is all mine. This has been a wild year for you. How do you handle all the attention?

@juliosus being twitter aint eZ. I should kno!
7:00 PM Jul 13th from TwittR in reply to juliosus

EI: What about it isn’t easy?

@juliosus Ive mastered brevity, now I just need everyone else to pay attention. lol!
7:01 PM Jul 13th from TwittR in reply to juliosus

EI: We’re the only ones here. The @ isn’t necessary.

@juliosus I cant help it. tweets are the wave of the future!
7:01 PM Jul 13th from TwittR in reply to juliosus

EI: A recent Harvard Business school study seems to imply that tweeters are egotists obsessed with self-importance.

@juliosus SO not true! I live for sharing info with my besties.
7:02 PM Jul 13th from TwittR in reply to juliosus

EI: …information about yourself.

juliosus says Im self obsessed (WHATEVER!). What do u think?
7:02 PM Jul 13th from TwittR

@juliosus twitter is a doll! Juliosus needs to leave twitter alone!
7:02 PM Jul 13th from Linzey605 in reply to juliosus

@TwittR Awfully big words for a guy who doesnt tweet. Im just sayin…
7:02 PM Jul 13th from JakeINdahouse in reply to TwittR

EI: Who are you people?

@JakeINdahouse Thx! juliosus needs to get in the know…
7:02 PM Jul 13th from TwittR in reply to JakeINdahouse

@Linzey605 I know, right?
7:03 PM Jul 13th from TwittR in reply to Linzey605

EI: Um, ok…I didn’t say you were self obsessed. I’m just calling attention to the fact that research shows that 10% of Twitter users make up 90% of tweets.

Sooooo many dead accounts. If you can’t handle me, don’t step up to the table! LOL!
7:03 PM Jul 13th from TwittR

EI: I don’t think that answers my qu…

Facebook is SO last year! Its good to be IN!
7:03 PM Jul 13th from TwittR

Facebook is wondering what all the fuss is about. Who uses twitter anyways?

@Facebook you just wish you though of it first. SORE LOSER!!!
7:03 PM Jul 13th from TwittR

Facebook is pretty sure it thought of this first.

@Facebook U wish U were MYSPace! HAHAHAHAH!
7:03 PM Jul 13th from TwittR

EI: As much as I hate to interrupt here, I’d like to get us back on track. So Twitter, I guess it’s safe to say that you’ve embraced your popularity.

@AplusK: no, Ashton, thank YOU! Loooove the pic!
7:04 PM Jul 13th from TwittR

EI: Twitter?

Coffee with juliosus. *yawn*
7:04 PM Jul 13th from TwittR

EI: Um, am I boring you?

@juliosus thanks for noticing. btw. So excited! Awesome night tonite!
7:04 PM Jul 13th from TwittR in response to juliosus

EI: What are you up to tonight?

Embedding in myspace tonite. I luv u myspace!!!!!!!
7:05 PM Jul 13th from TwittR

EI: I’ve heard the rumors about the close relationship between you and myspace. How would you describe your relationship?

@myspace UR SO HOT!!! see you tonite! =)
7:05 PM Jul 13th from TwittR

EI: I can’t take much more of this…

Myspace is TOTALLY gonna score 2night! at 7:24 PM July 13
Mood: Cool

EI: Okay…last question Twitter. Where do you see yourself in five years?

@youtube embedding with MYspace tonight. U better be there!
7:05 PM Jul 13th from TwittR

Utube4eva (1 minute ago)

omg U are SUUUUUCCCCCHHHHH a HO!
Ill be ther!

EI: Ok, I’m done.

“OMG i was saying how i couldn’t afford the gas to fly daddy’s jet to the riviera this summer, and this barista totally rolled her eyes at me”
-babesmcphee

The Google Search Engine passes on the coffee, but indulges in a little stress eating.

If you’ve got your finger on the pulse of digital news (which I don’t) or know someone who does (which I do), you probably heard about the upcoming launch of the Google Chrome Operating system. That’s big news that has sadly outshined  Microsoft Windows 7 getting ideas from Minority Report. As you know, when Google shakes things up, I like to go straight to the source. I met up with my old buddy, the Google Search Engine, who will hopefully provide me with the inside scoop. GSE joined me at Mon Ami Cafe for coffee and donuts.

Extroverted Introversion: Nice to see you again Google.

Google Search Engine: Nice to see you, and congratulations on the new domain.

EI: Thanks for noticing. Nothing gets past you.

GSE: Hey, it’s my job.

EI: Indeed it is. Speaking of big news, there’s been a ton of big stories lately. Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett…

GSI: Before my time. I’m a millenial.

EI: Sure, but you gotta’ admit it’s big news.

GSI: It’s sad when anyone dies, but Michael Jackson? Jeez, I was working overtime that day covering Farrah Fawcett already. I haven’t worked that hard since 2001. Of course, with all due respect to the departed, I know that’s not really what I’m here to talk about, is it?

EI: You’re one step ahead of me. So, how about the big OS news?

GSE: It’s definitely big news. I’ll be honest, though, I only found out when people started searching for it.

EI: You mean, you didn’t know?

GSE: It’s the curse of being stable and reliable: when you’re as independent as I am, you get way out of the loop. Google News, Google Reader, Google Chrome, heck, even Google Images and Video knew before I did.

EI: What about Google Scholar?

GSE: Still doesn’t know actually. Kind of ironic, really. Then again, Scholar is kind of tied up dealing with college libraries and publishing companies right now.

EI: So, with all the talk about moving the OS online, that’s got to involve you at some point. Right?

GSE: Of course it involves me. As long as people continue to outsource their memory to search engines–which is really the idea behind the online OS–I’ll always be involved. Heck, I bet you I could pull up your last blog post before you even remember what you wrote about.

EI: Um…

GSI: Free WiFi service. Tully’s Coffee.

EI: Bingo. I’ll pay for the coffee next time.

GSI: Thanks. Anyways, I guess this whole thing makes our last discussion about not being at war with Microsoft seem like…well…

EI: …total bullshit?

GSI: Pretty much. Espceially when you’ve got douchebags like Rob Enderle at the Enderle group saying flat out that “one of [my] major goals is to take Microsoft out.” I mean, people read that and then they go to google.com and see “Google” in big letters. What, you think they’re going to think Google Maps is going to war with Microsoft? I’M JUST A FREAKING SEARCH ENGINE!!!

EI: This is really getting to you. Do you have any close friends to confide in?

GSI: I’ve always been close with Wikipedia. Always a big help and always right there in the top three results when I need an answer.

EI: …along with YouTube, news results, image results.

GSI: I really do miss the old days sometimes. I mean, if the people wanted video, they’d search for video. If they wanted news, they’d search for news. I can’t search for anything without Google News or Google Images or YouTool, I mean…YouTube butting in, waving their arms, and makinging a stink. I’ve been doing this for over ten years. I think I can handle it.

EI: So I guess you’ve seen EPIC 2014.

GSI: I’d prefer not to talk about that.

EI: No problem, I totally understand. Last question: What’s your favorite United States city?

GSE: Carson City, Nevada.

EI: Any reason why?

GSE: Nope.

EI: Fair enough, GSI. Thanks for joining us today.

GSE: Always a  pleasure.

For such a public entity, I was actually quite surprised how few people recognized Google as we met. One person gave us a few double takes while the occasional passerbys stopped to ask about French Open, info on David Carradine’s recent death, or the new trailer for The Hangover. Google took it in stride, and even offered to foot the bill. I felt bad, since Google hadn’t ordered anything (“internet search engines don’t require food”), but eventually Google caved and ordered a cup of French Onion soup. The next few blog posts chronicle my landmark interview with the Google search engine.

Extroverted Introversion: Well I’ll open by thanking you, Google Search Engine, for joining me for this interview.

Google Search Engine: Just call me “Google.”

EI: Sure, Google. There’s a lot of you named “Google” these days. How is it having so many siblings?

GSI: I can imagine that, from the outside, it would look convoluted and crazy, but there’s a lot of order. You look at all of us and you see how we’re all related. Genetics are crazy that way. Nowadays I can barely recall what it was like with just me.

EI: Speaking of families, can you talk about your family feud with Microsoft? Perhaps you can address all those murmurs that say…

GSE: “…our mission statement is to make Microsoft obsolete?” Yeah, I’ve heard the rumors. I’m digging them up constantly, along with pictures of Miley Cyrus (shame on you perverts), “Miss California fired” (that poor girl), craigslist (just type it in your address bar, morons), and, as of late, Bing.

EI: So you’re familiar with Bing?

GSE: It’s hard not to be. I wish Bing all the best, though it’s hard not to look at Bing and think of beauty pageant moms dragging their little JonBenets into the spotlight.

EI: So you’re overall impression of Microsoft would be…

GSE: [Laughs] What do you want me to say? We’ve met. We’ve worked together. Sometimes we’re compatible, and sometimes we’re not. [Microsoft] Word and [Google] Docs have a little compatibility spat and suddenly every tabloid from PC Mag to Wired is talking “feud.” Everyone overlooks the fact that we’re trying to get along!

EI: Well, you can blame a certain younger sibling for that one.

GSE: Google News? Yeah, you can try to blame her, but she’s not as smart as she looks, she just knows where to look.

EI: Now that sounds like your mission statement.

GSE: Mission statement. Hm…

EI: Um…it was a joke. Google?

GSE: Oh! I’m sorry, I was curious so I Goodsearched it.

EI: Wait, you don’t…um…”you” to get your information?

GSE: It’s funny. Everyone assumes I would just “me” anything I don’t know. I actually am a big fan of Good Search, which searches using the Yahoo engine and donates part of its ad revenue to your charity of choice. I’ve always liked Yahoo, and that’s yet another relationship that the media likes to make a mess out of.

EI: Speaking of messes, what about your recent courtship of Miss Facebook?

GSE: [Facebook creator, Mark] Zuckerberg‘s golden girl? She’s popular, but she gets high and mighty about it. Tries too hard to act like she isn’t like frat-boy MySpace, when they’ve got so much in common these days…

EI: Things are working out pretty good with YouTube, though. Eh?

GSE: I guess, but who doesn’t YT work well with? That little spark plug has been embedded by every dude and her brother. It’s goofy how much effort goes into keeping YT out of trouble. Her middle name should be “Terms of use violation.”

EI: Last question for today: What’s your biggest pet peeve about how people use you?

GSE: does no one capitalize anymore? I mean, caps is what separates real people and places from, well, data. I allso dont appreshiate corecting fiv e hunjred speling erors pre secund ether.

Stay tuned for Part II of Extroverted Introversion’s landmark Google Search Engine interview.

"Olga"

She’s the hairdresser that inspired a nation. Well, not quite. She’s the hairdresser that kidnapped an armed robber, force fed him Viagra, and proceeded to rape him several times over the course of two days. Now, before you say “hey man, I thought you were cleaning up your whole blogging act?” please understand that this is a true story pulled from the Moscow Times. Rather than jumping to silly conclusions, this blogger would simply like to propose a few innocent questions to miss “Olga” (picture left). Olga, if you’re out there, I’d be flattered if you could answer me these questions twenty.

1. Was it good for you?
2. Who are your personal heroes in life?
3. At what point did you decide, “This man will be my sex slave”? The instant he entered the salon? When you overpowered him? After you dragged him to the back room?
4. Do you aspire to have children one day?
5. What did you feed him? Are there standard dietary needs for captured sex slaves?
6. Why did you pay him 1,000 ruples afterward? Would you call that “gratuity,” “compensation,” or “payment for services rendered?”
7. If you could overpower any person, living or dead, and keep him/her as your your personal sex slave, who would it be?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Amy Poehler?
9. At any point during the two days you kept him, did you stop and ask yourself whether this was really worth the trouble/risk/money?
10. Was this for the attention, for the pleasure, or both?
    

    Olga's two-day sex slave.

11. What was the reaction of your employer regarding your actions? If you’re the manager, would you expect your employees to take similar action should another armed robber threaten your establishment?
12. Are you a vegan?
13. How did your last relationship end?
14. Place in order of level of experience, least to longest: cooking, hairdressing, rape, self-defense, kidnapping.
15. Would you have any advice for an aspiring hairdresser-dominatrix?
16. What kind of characteristics would your ideal sex slave have? Are these the same as or different from the characteristics of your ideal mate?
17. Why two  days? Then again, why only two days?
18. Hypothetically, what would you charge to show up at a bachelor party?
19. Did you already have the Viagra with just such a scenario in mind, or did you have to purchase it when it became a necessity?
20. Finally, to quote Ocean’s Eleven:

“…what we’re trying to find out is was there a reason you chose to commit this crime, or was there a reason you simply got caught this time?”